December 23, 2014 by and

My girlfriend and I were invited to a thing called a Ladies’ Christmas Ornament Exchange Party.

I seemed to have enough couth to not ask the hostess, “Is this country casual, or somethin’ super fancy?” So, I searched high and low for a leg-lamp ornament. It would be nice and a personal reflection of my awesomeness. Most people know the reference. It’d be fun. If it turned out to be a fancy party, then someone would get stuck with it. But it’d be like a funny ha-ha stuck with it, and not a “Who invited those nitwits to our soiree?” kinda vibe.

But apparently, and as usual, I’m a year late. The leg lamp ornament was last year’s craze. This year, the stores have the mini leg lamp but not the full-sized lamp and not the ornament. Great, now I was going to have to come up with something else sub-par in brilliance.

I asked a co-worker who is pretty up on fancy. She told me where to go, but lo, my crappy minivan doesn’t point in that direction. I found myself upgrading my ornament shopping by the minimum—at Garden Ridge. Finally, I opted for a dog picture frame ornament.

We had a blast at the party. The four main food groups were represented in the form of chocolate. I wasn’t too worried about how my dog ornament would be received. After all, it was a dog picture frame ornament and everyone found the hostess’ dogs to be adorable.

I noticed as ladies opened randomly wrapped ornaments, my contribution was on the lower end of ornament financial investment. Uh-oh.

As usual, I was distracted by an ornament that said “Merry Christmas, Y’all” on it. I’m a pure-blood Texan, if you didn’t know. I was gonna get that ornament. In the throes of the exchange, the lady next to me happened to get my awesome dog frame ornament. I heard her explain her dismay to her pal. I asked if she had a dog. She did, but it’s not like she’s going to display that on her tree. That poor dog of hers.

I responded with, “Yeah, who’s the weirdo who brought a ridiculous ornament like that?” Then I grinned and took off with my super “Merry Christmas, Y’all” ornament. I hope we get invited again next year. There’s hope because my friend brought such a cool ornament everyone asked her where she got it. So, maybe next year, they’ll invite her and then, since we’re a power couple, she’ll have to take me. And I will find an expensive cat ornament. For sure.

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